


Safe Space

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [10]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Related, Episode: s02e05 Dust and Shadows, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Izzy is awesome, M/M, Missing Scene, Post-Episode: s02e04 Day of Wrath, destructive thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 10:31:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13634490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Magnus has just filled a tumbler with a generous amount of whiskey when his phone rings.[Set between 2x04 and 2x05. There is no scene in 2x04 where anyone tells Magnus about what happened with the demon, but he knows about it in 2x05.]





	Safe Space

**Author's Note:**

> Some context, if you want to refresh your memories... or just want an excuse to revel in the (not so) good times. Though I'd recommend rewatching at least the last one.
> 
> Magnus captures Camille: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jp9haV3kEDs>  
> Alec and Clary fight against the demon / Izzy: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqtbY89QfL8>  
> Alec's angsty archery + Jace talks to Alec: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml8zV8Wnjm0>

He can't stop stealing glances at the spot where the cage had been. Camille's words are still ringing in his ears, and will for a long time. He knows he did the right thing, but it doesn't quite feel that way.

 _Yet_ , he tells himself.

Magnus has just filled a tumbler with a generous amount of whiskey when his phone rings. A look at the display tells him it's Isabelle and he picks up with a soft sigh. Hopefully whatever matter Isabelle is calling about can distract him from his gloomy thoughts.

“Good evening, Isabelle. Always a delight.”

“Not this time, I'm afraid,” Isabelle says, and the lack of buoyancy in her voice immediately alarms him.

“What happened?”

He hears Isabelle take a slow breath. “There was a demon attack at the Institute.”

Magnus's stomach tightens with fear. “Is Alec okay? Is everyone else okay?”

“Alec, he is.. unharmed.”

Magnus tenses further, hearing what Isabelle didn't say: That Alec is alright. That everyone else is unharmed as well.

“But?” he presses.

Isabelle takes another deep breath. “It wasn't a regular demon with claws and fangs. The demon was one of Valentine's experiments. I've never seen anything like it. It.. possessed people, feeding on their dark emotions and forced them to attack others. To rip their heart out.”

Magnus feels like the ground is shifting underneath his feet. He can see where this is going, but he doesn't want to believe it yet, clinging to a last, desperate sliver of hope that the conclusion he's drawing is wrong.

Isabelle's next words crush his hope. “It possessed Alec and made him kill Jocelyn.”

Magnus's thoughts scatter into different directions. His heart lurches in his chest, aching for Alexander. And even more for...

“Clary?”

Isabelle makes a frustrated sound. “She's devastated. She won't talk, won't eat, she.. I think she's still in shock.”

Magnus's free hand curls into a fist. Even after more than two decades Valentine continues to find new ways to torment them. He hadn't actually thought it possible to hate Valentine any more than he already did, but just like Valentine's cruelty there seems to be no limit for the hot wave of rage washing through him. 

Magnus reigns in the mindless urge to destroy, to  wreck and leave nothing but dust in his wake. He needs to focus, needs to gather himself together and concentrate on taking care of his own before he goes after those responsible.

“Is there anything I can do for either of them?”

Isabelle sighs, weary. “No. Simon's with Clary, and Alec... I haven't seen him since Clary sent that creature back to hell.”

Her voice is vile, bitter, _off_. Magnus knows that tone, knows it covers a twisted kind of hurt. A kind of hurt you bury so deep, the only thing it can do is rip you apart from the inside.

“Isabelle.. how are you feeling?” he asks, as gentle as the touch of a feather.

Isabelle, to his utter shock, gives a sob. Magnus thinks  she's even more taken aback by this than he is. Regardless, she fights her way through an answer.

“I- after it left Alec it came for me and I-” She interrupts herself. “Clary managed to get it out of me in time, before I could really harm Alec, but he.. he didn't even try to defend himself. He just lay there and waited for me to tear him apart and if Clary hadn't stopped me the moment she did..” She inhales shakily. “I've never, _never_ seen him so defeated, Magnus.” There's a pause and then, quietly, she whispers, “I'm scared.”

Magnus forces himself to sound calm even though he is anything but. “Where is he?”

“I don't think he-”

“I know. Just.. do you know where he is?”

Isabelle is silent for a heartbeat. “I don't think he left the Institute.”

Something in Magnus settles down a fraction. Alexander undoubtedly has enough on his mind battling his inner demons, he shouldn't have  to fight real ones on top of that.

“Is Jace with him?”

“No.” Isabelle hesitates. “I don't think Alec wants to be around anybody. Not even his parabatai.”

This is bad. Magnus knows it, and Isabelle knows it, too.

“Alright... Thank you for telling me.”

Isabelle exhales and Magnus's heart clenches for her, too, her sorrow and anguish audible to him although she does her best to conceal it.

“Just.. take care of him.”

Magnus frowns, because Isabelle just said that Alec wants to be alone, but there is only one possible reply. “I will.”

“Thanks, Magnus,” she says, and ends the call before he can ask her if she will be alright.

He sighs. She probably would have said yes anyway, no matter if it was the truth or not. Because that's how she is. She covers up her own hurt to protect those around her. She will be strong, so her loved ones can let themselves fall apart, and she'll be there to pick up their pieces.

Magnus feels a surge of admiration for her determination and a swell of tenderness for  _her_ that he rarely felt for anyone, let alone a shadowhunter.

He stares down at his phone, wondering what he should do. More than anything he wishes he could take this burden off of Alec's shoulders, or at least share its weight, but he knows Alec must find the way out of his mind on his own. Only when he is ready to face someone else again will Magnus be able to lend him his strength, just like Alec did all those weeks ago.

For now he makes do with a text, hoping it will be enough, hoping it will lead Alec back to him, like a beacon through the darkness.

_Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I'm here._

 

~ ~ ~

 

Alec has lost all handle on how long he's been aimlessly running through the nightly streets of New York, trying to leave everything behind but unable to escape. The crushing reality of what he has done is pressing down on him mercilessly, and there's no outrunning the consequences of his weakness. He will have to learn to live with it, they all will have to.

 _Clary_ will have to.

She fought so hard to get her mother back. But it was all in vain, because Alec killed her.

Since it happened his thoughts are spinning in cirlces, coiling around him, stealing the air from his lungs, pushing him forward, forward, forward, even though there is nowhere to go.

He killed his parabatai's mother. Clary's mother. A fellow shadowhunter.

If he'd let go of his anger towards her this wouldn't have happened.

 _She wanted to kill your parabatai. You were defending him. You were justified_ , a voice whispers in his head and Alec comes to a halt, right there in the middle of the street, and grips his hair, pressing at his temple, willing all of this to just _stop_.

He can't go there. Trying to find defenses for what he's done is the one way to make this dire situation even worse.

It's like Jace telling him nobody blames him, absolving him of his sins. Jace is wrong. They should blame him, and the less they do the more he does.

It's the only thing he can do at this point. Admit what he's done. Stand by it. Not hide behind excuses. It's the only way left to honor Jocelyn.

Because he killed her.

Alec's breath hitches.

He can't do this.

He can't.

He needs to find a safe space, a wall he can press his back against, where he can close his eyes without seeing Clary's piercing green gaze cut through his soul, laying him bare for the weakling he is.

He has his phone in hand before he even made a conscious decision.

It makes sense. When he thinks of a refuge the first thing that comes to mind is a balcony where his mistakes have been forgiven before.

_3:58 AM_

He'll need to call Magnus, ask if it's alright that he comes over this late.

Alec freezes.

He'd have to tell him, first. Explain what happened. He'd have to confess that he kil-

Alec belatedly registers the message flashing across the screen.

_Magnus: Whatever you need, whenever you need it, I'm here._

Magnus already knows.

He _knows_.

And he's still welcoming him with open arms.

A shudder runs through Alec, and he's not sure if it's the good kind or not.

The only thing he's sure of is the reprieve Magnus's loft promises, a neutral ground where he can take a moment and breathe and maybe, just maybe, start to figure out how to make this right.

 

 

.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Izzy doesn't remember the time during the possession, but do you really believe she _didn't_ go back to look at the tapes to fully comprehend what happened?


End file.
